I Miss You
by acciomemories
Summary: "You made me whole, darling." A one-shot featuring Remus/Sirius angst. Written for various challenges on the HPFC forum.


You made me whole, darling.

You made me feel like I deserved to live, monster or not. You were the first one to accept me, the first one to betray me. I learned to forgive though. You always were stupid, weren't you? So when you told Snape, I couldn't hold it against you. Especially since we were _finally_ dating, and wasn't it wonderful?

You told me you loved me five times, before I ever found the courage to say it back to you. You told me the first time in second year, right after you accepted me as a werewolf (I was too young and frightened to say it back to you. And, honestly, I didn't believe you, love.). You told me again in third year, when I refused to let you become an illegal Animagus (you became one anyway...). You said it when you were drunk in fifth year (after the OWLs, you said you had to reward yourself for surviving those torturous exams...so you got drunk with James), again in sixth, whispering into my ear late at night, after I had a nightmare. You held me close, and whispered sweet nothings over and over again. We slept together that night, and the next morning you finally asked me out, saying you loved me once again.

I still never told you I loved you, and for that, I truly am sorry. I never did tell you until seventh year (it took me seven years, darling, to set aside my fears, and be brave). The last day of term, you asked me to move in with you, and I said it without thinking. Those three words, "I love you." You stared at me for what seemed like forever. I was starting to get worried, would you say it back, or would you push me away, because it had taken me so long?

You kissed me, our first kiss. I always said I wasn't ready for _that_ yet, and you always respected my wishes. I'm not really sure what was going through your mind when you finally kissed me, but I was thinking that you are perfect, love. I don't want to sound like a girl, Sirius, because I just _know_ you would tease me endlessly about it, but fireworks went off. I'm so glad you gave up and went against what I told you, because, _sweet Merlin_, that kiss felt nice.

The decision for our flat's decorations... Merlin, Sirius, you didn't make it easy for me, did you? It was like you had _never_ been in a Muggle store (and maybe you hadn't. I wouldn't know.). You wanted the weirdest curtains you could find, and I was going for a more home-y feeling. So we compromised. And got bright red curtains. So bright, in fact, that they made my head hurt. But I'd do anything for you, darling, so I didn't mind buying them. The look in your eyes when I agreed was definitely worth it. You looked so _happy_, Sirius. I wish you looked like that all the time.

We were in a war though, of course you couldn't be happy all the time. Merlin knows our own relationship got tested multiple times. I'm ashamed to say I thought you were the traitor, and I know you felt the same about me. How we managed to sleep in the same house as each other is beyond me. We did stop sleeping in the same bed, though, and I'm not sure if you noticed, but the nightmares came back. You forced me to sleep in the bed (you still loved me, didn't you? Even when you thought I was the traitor.) and you slept on the couch. I was alone, just like I was at Hogwarts, and the nightmares returned.

You have no idea the pain I felt when I realized you had killed Lily and James. Even though I suspected it was you, I never _really_ thought it was you. And then I heard that Peter was dead, too. In one night, I had lost the only five people that accepted me for what I am. I can honestly say that I didn't believe Dumbledore when he pulled me into his office to tell me. ("Sirius was the traitor. Lily and James are dead...") I just kind of stared at him, and started shaking my head over and over again. I trusted you, Sirius. I _loved_ you, Sirius. I collapsed on the ground, and began to sob. Did you know I had never cried up to that point? But, Merlin, Sirius I broke down. And Dumbledore had to watch me break.

I stayed in our apartment that night. I slept on the couch, and I could still smell you. Merlin, Sirius, I loved how you smelled. The next morning I ripped a little piece of our curtains down, and kept it with me, so I would _always_ have a piece of you with me. But I couldn't stay in the apartment any longer. (I couldn't pay for it, and honestly, Sirius, I couldn't stand to live where we had lived _together_. I just had to escape.) I lived with my parents for a while. I tried to find a job but no one would hire a werewolf (and they certainly wouldn't hire a _depressed_ werewolf). When my parents died, another piece of me broke. My life was crumbling apart, and I was left to watch it happen.

I honestly don't even know how I survived those next few years. I was floating through life. I didn't even want to live anymore. Everyone I loved was dead (except for Harry but I never got to see him). Dumbledore found me just when I was about to give up, and offered me a job at Hogwarts. I almost refused. (You know why, don't you, Sirius? I couldn't put the kids in danger- I am a monster, after all. But Dumbledore said Snape would make me a potion, so I agreed. It would give me a chance to meet Harry for the first time in _years_.)

That year was the year you had escaped. I didn't have to wonder how you did it. You were an Animagus, for Merlin's sake. _And_ you were a Marauder, so I knew you'd find a way out. I heard you were going after Harry, and I'll admit, Sirius, I was angry. (Okay, fine, I was pissed. You had murdered your _best mate_, and that just wasn't enough for you?!)

When Harry told me he saw Peter's name on the map, everything started clicking into place. The joy and _relief_ I felt when I realized it wasn't you... Oh, Merlin, Sirius. I can't even describe to you how happy I was. I could have you back. I could have _my_ Sirius back. The rest of the year passed by in a blur. I couldn't wait to see you again (I just knew I would. You're Sirius, you'd find a way.).

And then you were _there_, darling, just like I knew you would be. And you smiled at me, and your eyes lit up, and you were _happy_, and we were hugging. We were _together_ again, and, Merlin, wasn't it nice?

But good things don't last, do they? I _forgot_ my potion (how could I be so stupid, love?). You had to go on the run again, and I will _always_ blame myself for that. At least it was only for a year. We had to gather the Order again, so we were reunited once more.

I am _so_ sorry you had to stay in that horrid place you were forced to call home. It was the safest place we had, but that doesn't make it right for you to have to relive your childhood. (Because that's what you were doing, isn't it? Even your bloody mum was still there, ready to shout insult after insult.)

I remember the day you got to escort Harry to the train. A little of the old you shone through, and you had that happy gleam back in your eyes. The day after, you weren't so happy, were you? I couldn't be with you all the time, because I was allowed to leave (actually, I was forced into it. Do you think I _enjoyed_ talking with werewolves?). We got to sleep together again, though, and you scared the nightmares away, so thank you darling.

Things were as good as they could get, with the two of us being the only Marauders left. We made the best out of what we had, and I'm pleased to say that was the best year I had had in a while (I hope it was for you too, dear.). Things moved so fast, though. I wish we could have slowed down and enjoyed that year for a little longer.

Because what was waiting at the end of that year was so unexpected. You were at your house. We were upstairs together. _I was with you._ But that _stupid_ house elf of yours lied to Harry, and it cost you your life. I'm glad you were happy when you died, it made it a little easier to deal with. You were _laughing_, Sirius, as you took your final breath. (Well, I promise you, I wasn't laughing, darling.) I didn't even get to scream, because Harry was hell-bent on exacting revenge. I tried to stop him, I did, Sirius. But I wasn't strong enough, and he broke free. (I could have lost him too that night.)

_...I miss you, Sirius._

**Word Count: 1595 (without A/N)**

**A/N: I'm not really sure where this came from. I had other ideas that I was trying to write, but this one just kind of took over. :P I hope everyone enjoyed it! :D**

**Pssst. There may or may not be a sequel to this (most likely in Sirius' point of view, if I do one). I'm kind of undecided as of right now. Just look out for that, if you'd like to see more. Thanks! :D**

**Written for the:  
****Dauntless Competition (Round One- Stage One- romance fic)  
****Monthly Oneshot Competition (14. happy)  
****Fantastic Beasts Challenge (Werewolf- write about Remus)  
****5, 10, 20, 50, 70, 100 Fandoms Challenge (Harry Potter)  
****Cinema Competition (Titanic- write about romance)  
****Number of Your Penname Challenge (Remus/Sirius)  
The If You Dare Challenge (256. slow down)**

**Represent That Character! Challenge  
****One Million Added Words Competition**

***Edit* I took out the stars and added italics. I'm not sure which I like better, but I think italics makes the story easier to read (thanks, Michy darling, for telling me :D). :D**

**And Safari dear, I took out *two* commas, haha. :P I hope that made *some* difference. :P But, you're right, commas are my *life*. :P :D**


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